Get in line........

Number 12

OK, so over the past year I have begun to formulate my own faith, belief and spirituality.  I do recognize that I have let go of a significant piece of my life when I left the church (even though I still attend at times with my children).  Since I am gay and not living a celibate life, I had to leave the church - my choice.  I know there are some that just stop attending church and get lost in the shuffle but never "un-member" themselves from the church.  I knew that if I became a "practicing gay person" personally I would need to leave the church and not go against church doctrine while still belonging to the church.  I recall being offered the life of celibacy by a couple church leaders.....thanks by NO THANKS!

Back to the spirituality.....sometimes I feel that the religious system I was a part of thins that they have the corner of the market on spirituality.  The Spirit is bestowed upon them after baptism, I gave that up.  I pray in the same way as I used to, but I gave up that connection with heaven when I left the church.  I read my scriptures, but I gave up the ability for inspiration when I left the church.  In essence I have become a heathen.  So how do I built spirituality in my own life?

I have thrown out prior religious convention.  I try to not bind myself with my prior construct of spirituality that was fed to me for decades.  I use my feelings, promptings (not from the Spirit because I cannot own that anymore), intuition and guidance from my own experiences.  I know God lives and loves me.  I am his son (one of many).  I know that Christ redeemed us from this earthly life.....yes ALL of us.  I lay my faith at their feet to figure all of this dissonance that exists in this life.  I am doing the best I know how in the circumstances I find myself.  I know I will never be part of the "normalcy" that once was.  I am glad that I am on the path that I trod now.

I do not plan to "get in line" like I did before and accept everything doctrinally from the pulpit.  I will continue to ask questions of why one religious convention does things one way and another convention doing something opposite.  I am learning many things about my previous belief system that I should have asked question about and did not.  I "got in line" instead.  I conformed to the expectations, written and unwritten, that the church had.  I have been posed with the question and statements of "why did I get married", "you were living a lie", "you betrayed those you love", "why could you not of endured to the end".  My response now is.......YES, I should have been more forthcoming before marriage or a mission......YES I should have endured to the end.......BUT, within a closed, prescribed, religious system I feel I was set up to fail.

I could have come out and been honest earlier in my life....but I believe that I was not strong enough internally to do that.  I am glad that I did not do it then.  I probably would have made decisions that would have taken my life on to a totally different path and (knowing myself) would probably not be alive today.  There was limited support back then, and very strong people were those that came out.  They were pioneers in their own right!  Instead I chose the socially acceptable thing to do, conform.  I have had many precious experiences in that time.....children, marital experience, work, education that have formed who I am.  I am NOT sorry for those things.

I do believe that there also is responsibility for those closed, prescribed, religious systems to react to situations similar to mine......loss of faith, change of life style, differences of opinion......this would allow for some flexibility within each system.  If there is a change in personal belief or practice those individual changes will not be so devastating.  Yes I used the word devastating.  Devastating to many people involved.....family, friends, acquaintances.  Each person and organization has to be able to adapt and adjust for each to continue to be healthy.

Finally, I feel comfortable in my skin......

Number 11

What really is a societal norm, and who defines them?  For the society I belong, society has been predominately influenced by Christian, White, Males, conservative, who are heterosexual.  For decades I bought into these societal norms, I was part of the group, one of them, I was a card carrying society supporter (on the outside).

When I started college I began to see others who were outside the societal norm, wonder why they were so angry, listened to their stories and began to internally shift my own belief system.  I would listen to Francoise and her plight as a white, Christian, conservative, heterosexual, female.....she was not far from the norm but she had some poignant stories!  I even ran with her for elected office at the University we attended.  It was a great journey of learning and growth for me.

I remember sitting at the movie theater (on campus where I worked) and befriending Michael.  He was also part of student leadership, which we both participated in.  During the movies we would talk about life, love and our futures.  One day he came in extremely distressed.  We talked.  He was gay, I was one of the first persons he confided in.  I could related to him on a personal level, but never divulging my own, honest feelings.  I wonder where he landed.  He was a great friend and example to me.  He was white, that is all he had in common with the norm.

I was influenced by Winston.  He was white, conservative, male, Christian and heterosexual.  I worked with him in housing for almost 2 years.  Him and his wife were neighbors.  They were driven to obtain their educations.  Good people, lovely friends, great examples.  Winston was trying to find himself, joined the LDS religion....but was probably more liberal than most in the church.  I do treasure our friendship, but have lost contact with him and Rachelle.  I would never be able to have an intimate conversation about my desires with him.....although if I would have, I think he would have been alright with it!

Karen was one of my mentors in college.  She really pushed me and gave me opportunities for personal growth.  Those that know me....know I am not the most conventional acting heterosexual person.  I am VERY expressive.  When I began working with Karen we would have in depth conversations.  She is the first person to ask me if I was gay!  I was SHOCKED on the outside, but JUMPING for joy on the inside.  I did not answer her right away.  I did admit to her that I probably had some BI tendencies.  I did not even know what that meant fully, but it satisfied an honest question from a mentor.  Karen was white....that is the ONLY way she fit the norm.  She was a delight and inspiration to me!

Becky is my final person of particular influence in my life for this thread.  She was did not meet any of the norms.  She challenged my belief system.  I worked for her in Diversity Education.  I was continually to re frame my own language and actions learned from a majority-speak to be more integrated into a diverse population.  This was an opportunity that kept me from my comfort zone for months on end.  I look back and say "how could I have been so blind"!!!  Growing up in privileged (according to the norms) was good for me, but damaging in my interactions with individuals outside the norm.   I finally was able to see things in context and respond in an appropriate, fair method.  This was a choice experience.

So on my sojourn.....I began in all of the societal norms (see above).  I NEVER felt comfortable in all of them.  These experiences challenged my christian, conservative systems consistently.  I have been a liberal for years now, my family and friends have given me grief over it.  How can a person be Liberal and Mormon.  I even remember an experience when I was placed in a position in the church of influence.....people went to the Bishop expressing concern that the church cannot be true if a liberal in placed into a position of leadership and influence.  SCARY, I know!!!!  Although I am no longer a member of the Mormon faith, I still consider myself Christian..... God will take care of this mess.

So according to the norms.....I am white and male.  I do feel comfortable in my skin.  When I came out as a gay male, my internal homophobia subsided....self-loathing reduced, shame and guilt took a different twist.  I do feel comfortable with who I am.  That has been quite an accomplishment!

Entitlement in Suburbia

Number 10

I had a wonderful time tonight at my gay dad "therapy" group.  I use the word "therapy" loosely, it is a support group, men in various stages of identifying who they are, and an opportunity to share each others' stories.  It is powerful, enlightening and satisfying.  There are things shared among the group that is bonding.  I feel trusted, heard, and validated.  Whereas through most of my life I was never in a place, among a group where I felt I could be heard and share my innermost feelings.  I denied myself that because of judgement, social norms (which are damaging) and shame.  These feelings were imposed upon me at an early age, then I believed them for myself.  The true damage happened when I self-loathed myself because of those impositions!

After having an invigorating evening of trust and support....a few of us decided to go get a snack and further our conversation.  Once we arrived at this "sports bar" to get an appetizer.....we were met with a loud din that permeated the entire place.  Not knowing that this was a suburban waterhole for the 20 somethings, we took a seat.  For the first 30 minutes we were able to tolerate the loud and obnoxious laughter, yelling, and general disrespect for everyone eating and enjoying themselves.....these 2 tables were in riotous fits of chaos.  I asked 2 waitresses to see if they would kindly ask if these people could tone things down a bit.  I received the comment that these people had been here all day, and that the manager would take care of it. 

20 minutes later the problem had escalated.  I got up from my chair and went and asked a young lady to limit her loudness, because we could not carry on a conversation at our table.  I was told to F....off.  Then the 2 tables became aware of my conversation and they all clapped and mocked me as I returned to my table.  I had said my peace.  The wait staff witnessed it and came and apologized.  10 minutes later I received another loud message from the young lady....this was a public place and she had every right to yell.  The wait staff went over to her and ask that she be quiet. 

This example brings to my mind a sense of entitlement that many people have in society today.  There is a general disrespect for individuals and how people are treated.  It runs rampant in "Suburbia America" and it disturbs me.  I find it offensive when individuals that do have good jobs, good houses, opportunities surround them.....talk in degrading words for others that are less fortunate, don't fit the social norm, or may step outside themselves and speak up, only to be told to "get back in line" that "you are worthless, unworthy and a vagrant"! 

I came from a small farming community.  I was told that I would not make anything of my life from my high school counselor (most of my siblings had the same person tell us that).  I was a first generation college student.  One of the first from my family to graduate from college, then go on to get an advanced degree.  I received help, I needed help to get to where I am.  If those people that were at the "watering hole" tonight were part of the influencers in my life then, I would have been told to go back to where I came from, I do not belong, I do not have a chance.  Is that really fair?  In a country where we are free, can succeed and gain increase.  I am offended that this type of behavior runs rampant.  This general disrespect for others (not knowing others' specific situations, yet being able to judge them at a moments notice).  This tires me.

I do have faith in humanity.  I do hope that the people who do speak up are loud enough to make a difference.  I hope to be one of those difference makers. 

Hateful People

Hateful People

Number 9
It really is disappointing that when a person expresses their soul and heart in words, that some small minded, hateful people....belittle, mock and take light of an individuals experience. The purpose of this blog is to analyze my feelings, sort out my thoughts, and to help others understand what my experience is like.

It is unfortunate that some take this type of expression as threatening, misinformation and unneeded exposure. I would challenge those individuals to express themselves honestly and analyze their own lives. Are they truly happy? Are they creating or eliminating turmoil? Are they drama makers, or solution driven?

I am attempting to find solutions in my individual life and navigate my way through this part of my life unscripted. Each of us experience, joy, happiness, loss and tragedy. I would encourage all to focus on joy and happiness.....not making theirpurpose in life to create loss and tragedy. I fully realize that in my life I have contributed to others' loss and tragedy....Rachel being the prime candidate. I do care for her, I appreciate the positive influence she has had in my life.

Now for those of you that are wondering, Rachel is not the person that I am referring to in this blog, she is not that hateful and small minded. She is finding her way and embarking on her own journey to joy and happiness.

Filling that void

Number 8

So my life in the Mormon church was like this:

Sunday, church for 3 hours, choir for 1, usually a meeting that involved me or one of my children for 1-2 hours, study for an hour to prepare for my Seminary lesson the next morning 1-2 hours.
Monday, Family Home Evening, 1-2 hours, study for an hour to prepare for my Seminary lesson the next morning 1-2 hours.
Tuesday, study for an hour to prepare for my Seminary lesson the next morning 1-2 hours.
Wednesday, Youth night, either attending, help, or driving children to these events, 1-2 hours.
Thursday, usually some activity that did not involve me, but may have been responsible for the children that night.
Friday, camping event once a month overnight, or some church event involving one or all of us....time commitment 1-15 hours depending on the event.
Saturday, Youth Dance, cleaning church, Primary activity, Baptisms, Home teaching appointments....a various array of potential meetings and/or activities....time commitment 1-4 hours.

Also, usually there were social events planned by families or couples for game night, eating out, or a movie.  Most of the children's social events involved friends from church, scout or youth group.  Everything about our lives were centric to church activity and social events.  Just reading this makes me start to stress out!  How did I do that for so long, how did I keep up, how did I manage to survive.  I think in my need to keep myself busy to not focus on who I really was, I needed this schedule as a healthy escape.  I am not saying that was my only motivation but it certainly increased that need!

Now I do not have those associations, connection, events, rigorous schedule, and commitments.  There is/was a LARGE void in my life.  I reflected today on the many people that trod this path......and may experience this loss along that same continuum.  Each person will replace those lost "things" with new "things".  Those replacement items come with new commitment, with greater or lesser needs.  I struggle trying to find the time or meaningful commitment to places new things on my plate.  Most of my energy and time is focused solely on my children.  I still have that "church" connection through my children and running them to and fro.....but the connections have mostly been severed. 

I do yearn for some of those church connections that I previously had, but that would require that individual to address a couple of conflicts.  First, the doctrine conflict.....being gay is an abhorrent thing.  Second, the church is their to support its own....Rachel is part of "their own", many probably can't support both individuals so the choice to to support "their own".  I really am fine with the second reason, because I understand it intellectually, although the act of non-support hurts.  There are a few people that have the ability to support the doctrine and the individuals involved (meaning me too) and still function in the LDS culture.  These people are rare to behold, and priceless!  I am thankful for those few!  :)

I hope to continue to add (small, meaningful) things to my plate.  To replace those things lost.  I have had some brief conversations with individuals involved in LGBTQ advocacy activities, and think I might dip my foot in to see the temperature of things before I fully commit.  I know that I need to do this in the future in a MAGNANIMOUS way, but will settle to sit on the side line for now.  I am truly thankful for those people in the LGBTQ population that have assisted me in this transition....and I am mostly appreciative of John and Gigi.  I would not be here without both of you.....thx!  :)

Yearning for that touch

Number 8

Since for years I avoided any situation where I would place myself to have physical contact with another male, I was wound up fairly tight.  I can remember a few times when a male friend would come up to me, place their hand on my shoulder, place their arm around me in a "buddy"way. or give me a hug....I would literally shy away from them.  I would recoil, like I had touched a hot plate.  It was unfortunate that for so long I would create an outward revulsion to counter-balance the opposite feeling in my heart.

As I alluded to in my number 7.....I even kept my children at arms length.  I am haunted by how I treated my oldest son.....he yearned for physical touch.  Touch is his love language.  He would want to sit my me, want to hug me, need to be near me......I would simply push him away.  I still feel ashamed that I continuously denied him that need he had.  He is a wonderful son, with a bright and lovely future....I hope that someday I can have this conversation with him to ask for forgiveness.

I would do the same thing with my daughter (second oldest).  She is still here so I am slowly changing my physical connection with her.  I know that there is anger in her for the things she does not understand about my life and choices, she has every right to feel those things.  I just hope that we can overcome that physical barrier and remove each brick to become more aware and connected in a more meaningful way.  I do not want her to embark out on her own, not trusting those healthy physical connections and boundaries.  Not being present with my children as often as I used to, I seek for those opportunities to be close to them, that it is OK to be close to each other in a physical sense.  

This imaginary physical boundary that I had created was deconstructed over a series of months prior to coming out.  I could feel myself hammer each brick away....yearning for that intimate touch that I longed for.  I am not speaking in a sexual sense, but more of a emotional/ mental relief!  I wanted permission to just touch and to be touched, and feel every nerve ending.  This helped me become more satisfied with my body and dwelling in my physical shell.  Now all I need to do is to simply touch John and all those senses coalesce into a strong woven cord of living....and the satisfaction is almost overwhelming.  This is truly something that I have yearned for, for decades.

I do not want to give the reader that I have reached the pinnacle of my journey, but I am well I my way to a fullness that is indescribable.  Being bound by the chains of "social convention" hampers many.  I hope others can release themselves from those chains that bind them.

Internalized Homophobia

Number 7

Internalized Homophobia.....I really did not know that term existed until when I was going through counseling over a year ago, I finally recognized it for what it is!  Here is my best definition of the term:  "self-guilt, self-hatred, self-destructive impressions to rid oneself of the feelings of same-sex attraction, rarely voiced or shown to anyone external to oneself, a continuous depressive battle."   

Having lived in a very closed, strict religious system these feelings of internal homophobia were ever present in my psyche.  I had to continually run from them.  There were no effective tools provided me to combat these feelings.  There were no venues to express this conflict within the religious system.....because if this type of conversation happened, I would be immediately labeled, relationships would change and my growth within this system would cease.  Every willing, able, faithful Mormon man wants to grow, learn and lead.......leading his family, leading learning, leading followers back to heaven.  That form of leading would be hampered by having honest and open conversations about internal homophobia.....persons that reveal this would and have become 2nd class citizens among the saints.  That is why is it SO important to keep this battle internal.

Here is how I kept this battle internal.  I hated public bathrooms!  This is where I would have the opportunity to "maybe" see things that would be of interest to my gay side.  I would avoid these bathrooms like the plague.  I hated locker rooms for the same reason.  Plus my experiences in locker rooms as a youth were vile, nasty, hateful places to frequent.  I would not be easily expressive physically.  When someone would hug me, I would be guarded, stoic, and stiff.  It would be even worse if the person hugging me was a man.  I would even hold my children at arms length because of that same physical uncomfortableness!  I do wish I could go back and be different towards my children.....the younger ones are getting a good dose of my physical closeness now.  I would look for excuses to not be sexually active in my relationship. 

I continued to think, I was broken and this was what the world would get from me!  There was many days and nights spent in anguish trying to root this abnormality from my inner-self.  Time and time again I tried to extricate these feelings from myself that I would lose sleep, become obsessive, and be very angry with those around me.  Again, my children felt the impact of this.....for that I am truly sorry.

There are thousands of men and women that experience the same self-destructive feelings of shame, guilt, worthlessness, and anger.  My message to you is come out of that shell, talk about your inner-self.  Do not continue to destroy those things that make you...YOU!  It does get better.....but there is HELL to pay to get better.  It is NOT easy.  There are days I want to retreat back into my shell, run from responsibility or give up.....but I cannot.  I need to prove to myself that I am worth it, I need to outlast the bastards, I need to find peace.

It is nice to walk into a public bathroom and not feel like crawling out of my skin.  I can be physically close to those I love.  I have reduced my obsessive behavior....and my anger is subsiding.  The change has definitely been worth it.