Ima pleazzer!

Number Umpteen???

Since my earliest recollections I have always tried to make people happy, attempt to be liked, and to please others beyond a healthy medium.  Maybe birth order has something to do with it....being in the middle brings out the need to please.....maybe sexual abuse influenced this.....maybe my internal conflict I have hidden for decades about being gay has contributed.

Those that have served with me, volunteered, or know me in any way.....know that I will get the job done, effectively and efficiently.  I do see myself as reliable when it comes to accomplishing a task, planning an event or completing work.  I am starting to realize that most of the internal motivation to complete things it my need to please people and to get their approval. 

Last night this dysfunctional characteristic reared its ugly head.  I feel SOOOO responsible for things that I need to make sure that any concern, question or need is met.  John was looking for something and he was making statements.....not to alert me, not to put me on notice, not to ask for anything solution from me....just making statements.  Fairly benign statements.....that I immediately internalized and was thinking of solution.  "What could I have do different to not bring up these type of statements?"  "What solution could I provide?"  "Where did I put that?"

These type of questions go through my mind instantaneously!  I have conditioned myself to this "unhealthy" reaction.  I have been this way forever.  I tried to please my parents.  I tried to please my friends.  I tried to please church leaders.  I tried to please those I had relations with?  I tried to please too many people with too many needs with too many competing interests.  Well I broke last night.....I settled only after I realized that I have been this way, and now need to learn how to control it.  It is affecting my health and relationships. 

My new mantra:

I can only be responsible for myself and those few that I have stewardship for.  Everyone else is on their own!  :) 

I say that, and know that I will reach a happy medium at some point.  It has been enlightening to finally realize this, and accept it.  Now I need to put it into action.  I am glad I have someone close that understands these nuances and is willing to help me become a better person.  Thank you John G!

Stop it!

Over the weekend was the Mormon faithful General Conference.....feast of sorts.  One quote and talk that I listened to and am gratified was said over the pulpit was from Dieter F. Uchtdorf.  He said the following:

"When it comes to hating, gossiping, ignoring, ridiculing, holding grudges or wanting to cause harm — please apply the following: Stop it!"

More truer words could not have been said.  This means so much to one who is no longer part of the mainstream of the LDS church.  There are people that are judgmental and hurtful (at church or anywhere in each of our experiences).  One experience I will share to show the meaning this has for me...not necessarily to dually condemn those around this person.  I do still attend church with my children, 2 or 3 times a month.  I do and did have some wonderful associations there with people I loved and respected.  The majority of those associations have gone away.  Those that have been the most meaningful are still there and I appreciate those that have reached out and let me know that they are still thinking of me, I see that more now than any times in the past 16 months.

When I do attend church there is one person in particular, who I know very well and served with this person in a specific capacity.  I see the disdain, judgment and condemnation from this person just passing them in the hall or when I go to my seat in the main sacrament meeting.  I thought once that I would send this person an anonymous note to tell them what I thought about their actions and judgment.....in my fit of anger.....I wrote the letter......but I never sent it.

Now to generalize (not to focus on religion, but the human condition).  These type of people are all over in my life.  Not just in one isolated space.  So how do I deal with these type of interactions in a healthy way.  Believe me, I would like to write multiple letters....not all of them are on religion or sexual preference.....these letters could be written for people at work, volunteer groups, family, friends, etc...

What would I want the message to say that I would write these people?

"When it comes to hating, gossiping, ignoring, ridiculing, holding grudges or wanting to cause harm — please apply the following: Stop it!"

Plain and simple.  Great message.  I do not know what is going on in any given persons life that would give me pause to pass judgment......I am as guilty as the next person.  I need to improve and exemplify this type of behavior.  IT IS HARD TO DO!  Hopefully, I will get better......and those around me will see a difference.

Why does it always come to this?

Number 17

Why........

Recently an article was published in a periodical (New Era), the audience are LDS youth.  The title of the Article is, "How to Survive in Enemy Territory" by Boyd K. Packer

I have included a few references to the article to share in the struggle that I am faced with.  This is not to slight and point out how wrong these statements are, but bringing the reader into my experience.

I do have the advantage of age, maturity and experience that helps me attempt to look at these things objectively.  But for those that are tender in years, limited life experiences and conflicted, confused and torn....these words may seem hurtful and hopeless.  I understand that the leadership of the church has every right to defend their beliefs and have laws to uphold those doctrines and practices.  Yet on an individual level, when a son or daughter of God reads this text they may internalize more shame, guilt, and reduced self-worth.  The highlighted areas are those of concern and I will address why they are of concern from my perspective.



President Gordon B. Hinckley announced the following in general conference: “People inquire about our position on those who consider themselves . . . gays and lesbians.  My response is that we love them as sons and daughters of God. They may have certain inclinations which are powerful and which may be difficult to control. Most people have [temptations] of one kind or another at various times. If they do not act upon these inclinations, then they can go forward as do all other members of the Church. If they violate the law of chastity and the moral standards of the Church, then they are subject to the discipline of the Church, just as others are.
“We want to help . . . strengthen them, to assist them with their problems and to help them with their difficulties. But we cannot stand idle if they indulge in immoral activity, if they try to uphold and defend and live in a so-called same-sex marriage situation. To permit such would be to make light of the very serious and sacred foundation of God sanctioned marriage and its very purpose, the rearing of families.” President Hinckley was speaking for the Church

"You have that same agency. Use it wisely to deny acting on any impure impulse or unholy temptation that may come into your mind.  Just do not go there, and if you are already there, come back out of it. “Deny yourselves of all ungodliness.” The key word is discipline —self-discipline.  The word discipline comes from the word disciple or follower. Be a disciple/follower of the Savior, and you will be safe.  One or two of you may be thinking, “I am already guilty of this or that serious mistake. It is too late for me.” It is never too late.
You have been taught at home and in seminary about the Atonement of Jesus Christ. The Atonement is like an eraser. It can wipe away guilt and the effect of whatever it is that is causing you to feel guilty.  Guilt is spiritual pain. Do not suffer from chronic pain. Get rid of it. Be done with it.  Repent, and, if necessary, repent again and again and again and again until you—not the enemy—are in charge of you."  Boyd K. Packer

A reader that has same-sex attraction will read this and feel that they are immoral (even if they do not act out on the "sin").  These individuals may also feel increased guilt, impurity, unholy and ungodliness.  The only answer would be to internally destroy themselves to attempt to find peace.  I tried this path for 40 years and came to a point where I could no longer self-loath, self-depreciate, self-destruct.....there was no peace in this.  Considering that I have a few more tools in my kit to use to work around these type of emotions....it is no wonder that the LDS church is losing youth to suicide.  This becomes the answer to escape from this dissonance!  I almost arrived at this conclusion myself, but knew that change was a viable 2nd option.  I sought help, found people to confide in, and had an amazing counselor.  Not everyone has this type of support system in place.

There needs to be more conversation and assistance to individuals that are struggling with these feelings.  Local leaders in the church need to listen with compassion, love and concern.......not meting out judgement.  I do know there are many that offer the kindness and love....it is just unfortunate to see suicide in the news so often for the youth in the LDS church.  It is hard to encourage the compassionate local attitude when on the general level things can be perceived by the individual as hurtful.  Even the title of this article places individuals in the offensive or defense without even reading the script......

Here is hoping for more compassion!

Conflicted

Number 16

Just expressing myself here.....not intending to create conflict.  In a previous post I outlined my time and energy commitment to the LDS church.  I dedicated decades of service to this organization.  I performed all tasks willingly like most do, I tried to live exactly like the religious culture dictated.....accept callings, serve faithfully, give time and talents to the work of the Lord.  I found great reward out of each of these activities and opportunities of service.  I was afforded many opportunities to lead, love and share for which I am grateful.  These experiences have helped bundle me to who I am today.  Many people now and in the past have said I am super nice, dedicated and work hard (sometimes to a fault also). 

The conflict I have is mine to own and non-else.  Since separating from family, religion and my previous life....I have experienced EXTREME loss.  Again this is MINE to own.  What I find most difficult to deal with is the loss from church and family.....really they are one in the same to the LDS faithful.  When I was preparing to leave the church and leave my (socially acceptable) marriage, I told people that would be key to Rachel's survival in the church to ensure that they would be there and available to her as she went through this change in her life.  I guess that shows that I did (even though that is diminished and dismissed by so many) and still do care about Rachel.  I wanted to "fortify" her transition. 

Doing this required me to fade into the background.  To disconnect.  To dismiss myself.  To depart from the old and begin with the new. 

Given that departure, my circle of influence has been depleted.  I feel like I stepped back from those prior associations too soon and too far.  I disconnected too completely for the comfort and safety of those I love.  Now I feel disappointed in myself and those that I associated with just because of my honesty!  Who would have thunk that honesty could create such an ostracizing experience for me.  Again, this is MINE to own.  I did not have a handbook on dealing with this kind of transition.  There is not a handbook in the church of how to "deal with" people like me.....other than to help me stay in the church, be celibate and hopefully not kill myself in the process.  I just wish more conversation (open and honest) could happen. 

I had a friend post this event on Facebook for people to attend:

Homosexuality and the Mormon Church: A Civil Conversation on Empathy and Difference

April 12, 6:30 PM at the SLC downtown library, conference room #4.

"For many, if not most in the Mormon community, the on-going conversation about homosexuality and Mormonism has failed us. This failure has resulted in broken homes, broken hearts, and a deep misery that's even led some to take their own lives. These tragic results have led many to blame and point fingers rather than find more constructive ways of sustaining the conversation that lead to understanding, growth, and hope. At the heart of this failed conversation lies the unresolved tension that often exists between our beliefs in the way things should be and the reality of how things are. After conducting over 100 interviews with gay Mormons, their loved-ones, mental health practitioners, ecclesiastical leaders, sociologists and more, the community organizers and producers of the documentary Far Between have developed a simple yet sustainable method of engaging one another around this divisive issue in a way that will draw each of us further into the conversation rather than drive us further out. They'll share ways of sustaining the tension that allow each of us to focus on the most salient questions long enough that, together, we can find better and better answers. They'll suggest ways that we can navigate this space between the principles of a beloved ideology and the realities of our "lived experiences". They'll share how by conscientiously loosening our grip on ideology for a moment in an effort really seek to understand someone's lived experience of being gay (or being devoutly Mormon, etc.), we'll be one step closer to operating from a space of true empathy. The community conversation will provide an opportunity to engage with other's lived experience while not forfeiting or shifting our opinions on the issues. The organizers hope that the community conversation will help each of us to open ourselves up to more nuance, more compassion, and, frankly, better decision making."

These are the type of conversations that I wish could happen, but they won't because of fear, misunderstanding, judgment and prejudice......and I recognize that judgement and prejudice goes both ways.  I would like to help this chasm move closer together, but I do not know where to start.  I am not sure I have the energy to put something together like this.  I am too tired......to affect change like this at present.  It would be a great idea, but it will fade into the background just as I have.....

It Gets Better

Number 15

I know that I need to eventually do an, "It Gets Better" video of myself sometime.  I feel personally compelled to do one.  The conflict that I have with myself is that overall, it does get better......but sometimes daily it is a struggle just to keep going.  I was telling a friend yesterday my desire sometimes is to just run away.....when I get overwhelmed.....when I get sad......when I get angry of the way I am treated.  Then my sense of responsibility removes those thoughts from my mind, and in a weird twisted way I make myself more overwhelmed because of that responsibility.

I recognize what I need to do, to provide for my children.  I need to continually place myself in positions and opportunities to provide for their needs.  They deserve so much more.  They deserve so much more than I can give them.  My guilt and shame kick in when I think about them.  I know at times they are angry, confused, bewildered.  They have every right to feel and express those emotions.  I was not allowed (or did not allow myself) to feel these type of emotions for decades.  I hope that each of my children will find their voice, express themselves and be honest and authentic.

I was sitting in church on Sunday (I do still attend with my children) and noticed how UN-authentic some people really were and are.  Now I am not labeling religion or religious people as not being authentic.....but there are some that are fake, self-promoting, and insincere.  It is aggravating to see this, and so many people not calling these type of people out for who they are.  I have and currently experience many people in my life that are like this (I just happened to reflect on it at church).  When will people just get honest........

Back to "It Gets Better".....I need to feel committed to doing this and to stick with it getting better.  It truly is, but I have to fully believe it within my soul......I am getting there.

When I knew.....

Number 14

Last night I attending a concert from the Heartland Mens Chorus called, "When I knew".  Dan Savage was narrating the performance.  Dan Savage is the organizer of the, "It Gets Better" campaign on YouTube.  He read the stories from the chorus and the audience that told the story of bullying, discrimination and coming out.  Each story was moving.

In that same vein, here is my "When I knew" story:

When we moved to the house on the farm there was lost of space and area to explore.  One of those places was the gravel pit.  This is where the city would dig and find gravel for roads, so there were big piles of gravel, indention's in the earth which allowed water to accumulate.  We had a make shift swimming hole (although we did not swim in it much, at least I didn't).  My brother, sister and I would go over there to play all the time.  We would create stories and make-believe all the time.  One thing that I would consistently do is pretend there were mer-folk in the water.  They would come out of the water and visit us.  We would make up names for them all and pretend to have romances.  I would make up names for my mer-men (secretly) and would create in my head a whole romance.  I know that I did not share with anyone about those romances, but I would make up the conventional female names to have romances with outwardly.  This began my internalized homosexual crisis.  It is amazing how society can keep people silent for so long based on norms and values.  That was 35 years ago.......

Acceptance

Number 13

Have I truly accepted who I am?  I have been reading other blogs, books and articles on people like me coming out.  One of the many themes that is talked about time and time again is acceptance.  When children grow up, they each continually attempt to find acceptance.  Acceptance of their words, acceptance of a relationship, acceptance of parents or authority figures, acceptance of their actions, acceptance of their choices.

When I was a child, I remember my first friends were my siblings.  I wanted to be their friend and playmate.  I wanted them to choose to play with me.  I wanted my parents attention and having their attention meant that they accepted me.  That experience broadened as more people were introduced into my life....extended family, neighbors and school-mates.  I will give you examples from these groups:

1)  We had cousins that lived down the road.  Heather, Melodie and Holly lived down the road from us.  They were each fast friends.  We did a lot together around the farm, exploring and generally being kids.  We had a wonderful time together.  I always looked forward to going over to their house.  Their house was more modern then ours and they lived closer to town.  I felt accepted among them.  Those were fond memories.

2)  When I was about 5 or 6 my parents were building a house outside of town on the "farm".  We lived in town during my first year, next to the gas station that my parents owned.  Whenever my dad would go to the new house to "build" I would always want to go.  Every time I had an opportunity to go with him, I felt included and accepted by him.  I know that I created more work for him just being there (I know this because of my own experience with children) but I am gratified that he brought me along.  My dad was not very expressive with words, but I actions spoke volumes.

3)  The Birch's built a home down the road from us, they would be our closest neighbors for decades.  They had 3 sons similar in age with me.  It was great to have someone even closer than cousins and with a newer "log cabin" house.  It was an adjustment to not just show up on their doorstep and expect to play.  We now had to plan things and ask permission.  It was a good framework with interact from.  I did notice over time that our mothers did not become fast friends, there was some dissonance between the 2.  That would sometimes limit that interaction.  That affected the acceptance that I felt with the neighbors to a point.  These boys did not become my best friends, we really did not do similar things in middle and high school.  I really think that this relationships main influencer was the mother of the boys.  She was never negative towards me personally, but I just felt something different....non-acceptance.  The sad thing about this group is that it affected my mother profoundly too.

4)  My abuser was a person that I continually tried to find acceptance from.  To me he was an authority figure.  Everything he said was gospel.  I would do anything he would say.  Sad form of acceptance.  I remember vividly one experience where he told me I would die (because I had done something unacceptable to him).  I cried myself to sleep for months, waiting for the end.  I believed that contributed to my inability to wake up during the night and go to the bathroom.  I wet the bed for years.  I know that this was a psychological problem, yet I would be taken to the doctor to examine my physical self to fix.  It was a shame that abuse or psychological needs were not considered at that time.  I was looking for continual, consistent acceptance from this person and it was driving me insane.  Hard to write about this but I feel compelled to share this as a way of separating this experience from myself which gives me the ability to look at it objectively  for a brief moment.

5)  School and church children were one in the same in my community.  Very homogeneous and in my opinion VERY unhealthy.  There were very little differences or diversity among us.  I did look for acceptance among my peers because those are the people I would spend most of my time with during a given day.  I sought acceptance from both male and female friends.  Knowing early on the appropriateness of gender and sex roles.  I could only be attracted to girls and jostled for position with the boys.  I remember vividly when certain boys would move into our class, I could probably have fit in with the girls conversations much more easily about how cute he was, or who would talk to him first......but I could not do that.  Instead I would find out who that new kid liked and who preempt his ability to like that girl.....thus I would get his attention.  Weird, twisted and messed up.....I know.....but that is how I adapted.  That is how I sought out attention and acceptance.

Now, fast forward......I am still looking for acceptance personally, professionally, and socially.  I use the experiences I have had in the past as guideposts.  I do feel much more confident in my identity and self.  Sometimes acceptance becomes a non-issue because of my ability to not always need acceptance.  I believe the strongest acceptance any person can ever have is that of them self.  2 years ago, I found myself....18 months ago I finally accepted myself......14 months ago I needed to change my life in order for my accepted self to exist......every month it is a continually battle to foster my inner self given all the societal judgments about who I am.  I am me, and grateful for that person.