I know that I need to eventually do an, "It Gets Better" video of myself sometime. I feel personally compelled to do one. The conflict that I have with myself is that overall, it does get better......but sometimes daily it is a struggle just to keep going. I was telling a friend yesterday my desire sometimes is to just run away.....when I get overwhelmed.....when I get sad......when I get angry of the way I am treated. Then my sense of responsibility removes those thoughts from my mind, and in a weird twisted way I make myself more overwhelmed because of that responsibility.
I recognize what I need to do, to provide for my children. I need to continually place myself in positions and opportunities to provide for their needs. They deserve so much more. They deserve so much more than I can give them. My guilt and shame kick in when I think about them. I know at times they are angry, confused, bewildered. They have every right to feel and express those emotions. I was not allowed (or did not allow myself) to feel these type of emotions for decades. I hope that each of my children will find their voice, express themselves and be honest and authentic.
I was sitting in church on Sunday (I do still attend with my children) and noticed how UN-authentic some people really were and are. Now I am not labeling religion or religious people as not being authentic.....but there are some that are fake, self-promoting, and insincere. It is aggravating to see this, and so many people not calling these type of people out for who they are. I have and currently experience many people in my life that are like this (I just happened to reflect on it at church). When will people just get honest........
Back to "It Gets Better".....I need to feel committed to doing this and to stick with it getting better. It truly is, but I have to fully believe it within my soul......I am getting there.