Thursday, March 8, 2012

Yearning for that touch

Number 8

Since for years I avoided any situation where I would place myself to have physical contact with another male, I was wound up fairly tight.  I can remember a few times when a male friend would come up to me, place their hand on my shoulder, place their arm around me in a "buddy"way. or give me a hug....I would literally shy away from them.  I would recoil, like I had touched a hot plate.  It was unfortunate that for so long I would create an outward revulsion to counter-balance the opposite feeling in my heart.

As I alluded to in my number 7.....I even kept my children at arms length.  I am haunted by how I treated my oldest son.....he yearned for physical touch.  Touch is his love language.  He would want to sit my me, want to hug me, need to be near me......I would simply push him away.  I still feel ashamed that I continuously denied him that need he had.  He is a wonderful son, with a bright and lovely future....I hope that someday I can have this conversation with him to ask for forgiveness.

I would do the same thing with my daughter (second oldest).  She is still here so I am slowly changing my physical connection with her.  I know that there is anger in her for the things she does not understand about my life and choices, she has every right to feel those things.  I just hope that we can overcome that physical barrier and remove each brick to become more aware and connected in a more meaningful way.  I do not want her to embark out on her own, not trusting those healthy physical connections and boundaries.  Not being present with my children as often as I used to, I seek for those opportunities to be close to them, that it is OK to be close to each other in a physical sense.  

This imaginary physical boundary that I had created was deconstructed over a series of months prior to coming out.  I could feel myself hammer each brick away....yearning for that intimate touch that I longed for.  I am not speaking in a sexual sense, but more of a emotional/ mental relief!  I wanted permission to just touch and to be touched, and feel every nerve ending.  This helped me become more satisfied with my body and dwelling in my physical shell.  Now all I need to do is to simply touch John and all those senses coalesce into a strong woven cord of living....and the satisfaction is almost overwhelming.  This is truly something that I have yearned for, for decades.

I do not want to give the reader that I have reached the pinnacle of my journey, but I am well I my way to a fullness that is indescribable.  Being bound by the chains of "social convention" hampers many.  I hope others can release themselves from those chains that bind them.

1 comment:

  1. Thank you so much for this post and for keeping this blog. You are an inspiration and support to many who cannot find the words. As someone who came out and went through a lot of feelings of loss of family and community, I can relate. Thanks for helping me feel not so alone. I wish we could have gotten to know you and your wonderful partner better before you moved. You are an amazing person and your kids are lucky to have you!