Monday, June 18, 2012

Fathers Day edition

This is my first Father's Day away from my children.  It was HARD.  Those critics of my situation would say, "well you CHOSE to be on this path, suck it up" (yes I have heard this) does not make it easier to deal with the distance.  I visited with a couple new friends I have been able to connect with, called John numerous times, talked to be children, and cried a bit. 

I am used to the children making some sort of scrumptious breakfast, laying in bed with them, them eating most of my breakfast, then me cleaning it up.  This usually pertains to the younger children.  They light up my life every time I see them.  When I visited Kansas City over a week ago, it was nice to have Connor and Isaac both jump into my arms. 

Yesterday while I was at church, the young children usually sing Father's Day songs.  One of the regular songs is, "Daddy's Homecoming"

I’m so glad when daddy comes home,
Glad as I can be;
Clap my hands and shout for joy,
Then climb upon his knee,
Put my arms around his neck,
Hug him tight like this,
Pat his cheeks, then give him what?
A great big kiss.
I choked up over this song.  I always did before, so it really was not any different....other than I was by myself.  This song reminded me of the 2 youngest jumping in my arms.  They both are not shy about showing their unconditional love for everyone around them!  What I have learned from the children while they are young is to not be too concerned about what others think about your silliness, or honesty.  I got here to Orlando and need to remind myself of that....Be ME!  If people do not like what they see, then I move on to the next situation.  It really is freeing to think that way.

I spoke with some of the children on skype today over lunch.  It was comforting.  I wrote Zachary a letter....i wish i could talk with him.  He was always a person that I could trust and he would be honest with me.  I miss that interaction.  I am gratified that Paisley is this same way, talking to her is always refreshing. 

I was also reminded in church that my life did not fit the correct model that needs to be produced, and that I was am a sinner because I disbelieve.  I got up and walked out after that.  I called John and he asked me why I torture myself by listening to those things that are hurtful to my soul.  I told him I made a commitment to do this.....after thinking about it, maybe I am trying to pay some sort of internal penance.  I don't know!!!  Sunday was full of highs and lows.  I am leveling off somewhat today. 

1 comment:

  1. Thank you for your blog. I've enjoyed reading your comments and I appreciate the honesty presented. The impact of living as an abomination has wounded my psyche in ways that you've so precisely written about. I admire your openness.