In middle school everyone is trying to find an appropriate identity. Friends are important to this process. This period of time can dictate future happenings in ones life. I remember wanting to play basketball and to be part of the popular crowd. Boundaries and limits are tested. I clearly remember being invited to sleep overs with the more popular boys. These boys were a group of about 5.....I was the 6th. I was shocked at how sexual these sleep overs became. All sleeping in the same room, boys trying to touch each other....silly things (I guess). This made me completely uncomfortable. I did not initiate anything or desire to do anything with these boys. I felt like my parents would find out....or my abuser......there would be harsh consequences to be had if uncovered.
I lost interest in this group of boys. I stopped hanging out with them and refused to attend their activities. I had other friends that I fell back on and these friends were who I identified with the rest of my adolescence. I am grateful for this group of people.....they helped me get through some tough times in the coming high school years.
Growing up in a farming community I think the expectation would be that everyone wear wrangler jeans, plaid shirts and cowboy hats. I was the antithesis of this. I wore parachute pants, t-shirts, chucks and a "flock of seagulls" haircut. I guess I looked like I needed to be torturer and singled out.
When the Freshman class came into high school, all upper-class people felt it their right to "initiate" these youngsters into "adulthood". There was a kangaroo court where the upper class would be given permission by the administration to torture us. There was a bidding war to sell the Freshman as "slaves" to those that wanted someone to serve them. It was a discriminatory degrading time. I do not know when they discontinued this practice but this was the mid to late 80's. Even though not everyone was bought and sold, there was an expectation that measly Freshmen would do everything requested by the upper class.
The event that changed my experience in high school happened at a football game. It was homecoming and I was attending the game with friends. We were standing close to the sideline. A Sophomore came up to me and demanded that I go get him something to drink. The expectation was for me to get the drink and pay for it from my own pocket. I refused. He came back to me and demanded that I take the first down marker, because his friend was doing it and was tired. I refused. I left the game.
After these 2 events, my life was made a living hell by this person and his friends. Threats of abuse, death, sexual advances and treacherousness language was my lot for the next 3 years. I my next entry I will go through some of those experiences.