Thursday, February 2, 2012

I have decided to be more open and honest with this blog that I recently started.  Here we go......

I am a man, having grown up in rural Idaho....I was born into the Mormon church like everyone else around me.  I struggled from my earliest recollections with same sex attraction.  When I would play with toys and act out scenarios, I always pretended that I had a boyfriend.  After a while I knew that the outward expression of love had to be expressed to a girl, but deep in the recesses of my mind dwelt my secret boyfriend and what my heart yearned for. 

I was strictly obedient to the Mormon rules and laws that were placed before me.  Growing up in a heterogeneous place I was not exposed to what my heart wanted.  I thought I had to be cured, this was my burden to bear, I had no one to verbalize my disparate concerns to.  I remember being pulled into the Bishops office multiple times asking if I was gay and to stop acting out those feelings.  I never did act was all of the leaders sons that would proposition me for sex, me refusing, and then being blamed for being gay.  These young men most likely found someone to satisfy their sexual need, and according to doctrine....needed to repent!  Some of these same bullies are now Bishops and Stake leaders in their congregations.  I do not know when justice will be meted to them, but I hope it comes back their way eventually.

I went to Ricks College, served an honorable mission and got married. I married someone that I felt comfortable with, she was a good woman, and I hoped that I could find peace.....and be cured of this burden that was wrapped around my neck.  Again, I was doing everything I was told to, to find solace.  I served in many leadership positions and taught seminary for many years.  It seemed that all I was doing was running faster to avoid the inevitable.  We had 6 wonderful children.  They will always be the light of my life. 

After 40 years of running I realized that I needed to make a change or exit this life.  The later option being irrational from the outside looking in, but a valid choice for one going through the hurt and turmoil that I was enduring.  I came out to my wife with the intent to find healing and solace...but later knowing that that path would not be trodden.  I had a wonderful LDS counselor (part-time), he was a mental health professional in the community for his day job.  He had a very profound impact on my discovery process. 

I am fortunate to have had people placed in my path to assist me.  I left the LDS church over a year ago.  Still attend sacrament meeting with my children.  I support them as much as possible not living with them 24/7.  All of my children know who I am and have accepted this new normal in varying degrees.  I have some champions and skeptics, but they all still love me and the feeling is mutual. 

I do feel like there are people that have been in my life that deserve more, but I cannot change and live a lie anymore.  I finally feel comfortable in my skin.  Hard to describe, but wonderfully peaceful.  This is my journey to a better place.

1 comment:

  1. So happy that you have found peace and happiness. You deserve it!! Love ya! BTW is the beard part of the journey too?