2nd entry of honesty
When I was young I was a curious child, timid but free. I grew up in a very traditional Mormon household....rural, farming, 10 children, church attending family. I was the fifth child. We were hard workers, everyone contributed on the farm. I was feeding calves before I was old enough to go to school, milking cows a few years after that. It was a hearty life. It was a good life. It taught me values and ethic that I will carry with me to the grave.
Aside from early recollections of my same sex attraction, there were other defining moments during these formative years. I remember grandparents being very harsh and not personable. They grew up with very exacting rules, they expected them from the generation removed from them. I really did not grow close to any of my progenitors.
I was sexually and emotionally abused by a family member. The more I give freedom to my honesty and authenticity....the more I recollect what I went through at that age. Prior to this, I was conveniently able to repress these experiences. I remember at one point thinking I was going to die for months because of what I had done and what my abuser had convinced me of. It was excruciatingly turbulent!
The final thing that I clearly remember was the uncertainty of farming in the late 70's and early 80's. Many small farm operations were going under.....and the businesses that supported them. There were months that would go by when we would dump thousands of gallons of milk down the drain because there was not a creamery that would accept new dairy clients. Creameries were going out of business....it was hard economic times for a large dairy family.
These experiences have left me bruised and distrustful. Things I am learning to cope with decades later.