My second semester at Ricks College I caught the conformity bug and began considering serving an LDS mission. Many of the people in my life were submitting their mission papers, getting their calls to serve and celebrating. I was not becoming a sheep and doing what everyone else was doing....I thought about this option daily. Finally making the decision to go. I knew that it would benefit my life and others. I do not regret going, it really helped me grow up, mature and set goals.
While on my mission I had an internal battle daily!!! I would write in my journal, "Chris, you have to stop these evil desires! You are going to hell if you don't get rid of these desires!" I would self hate and loathe the part of me that was there my whole life. There were days when I would be severely depress but I would have to get up and go. My energy waned, I continually had to focus my energy on why I was there. It was like I was killing a part of myself to survive in the present. I learned to subsist! :(
I believe that each of my companions would say that I was a hard worker and focused. We had success teaching and serving people. It was one of the most memorable times of my life!
The unfortunate thing that happened is that I learned to consistently "saw off the gay branch" that was truly me. I was a hard process, but I think this prepared me to continue living the heterosexual life for a couple decades. I could not let the gay grow back! I stayed busy enough and focused enough on other things than taking a look at the internal me and coming to some sensible agreement with that person.
Happy that I can meet that person now internally, and give him a hug! :)
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