Friday, February 10, 2012


I think this is number 6?

My second semester at Ricks College I caught the conformity bug and began considering serving an LDS mission.  Many of the people in my life were submitting their mission papers, getting their calls to serve and celebrating.  I was not becoming a sheep and doing what everyone else was doing....I thought about this option daily.  Finally making the decision to go.  I knew that it would benefit my life and others.  I do not regret going, it really helped me grow up, mature and set goals. 

While on my mission I had an internal battle daily!!!  I would write in my journal, "Chris, you have to stop these evil desires!  You are going to hell if you don't get rid of these desires!"  I would self hate and loathe the part of me that was there my whole life.  There were days when I would be severely depress but I would have to get up and go.  My energy waned, I continually had to focus my energy on why I was there.  It was like I was killing a part of myself to survive in the present.  I learned to subsist!  :(

I believe that each of my companions would say that I was a hard worker and focused.  We had success teaching and serving people.  It was one of the most memorable times of my life!

The unfortunate thing that happened is that I learned to consistently "saw off the gay branch" that was truly me.  I was a hard process, but I think this prepared me to continue living the heterosexual life for a couple decades.  I could not let the gay grow back!  I stayed busy enough and focused enough on other things than taking a look at the internal me and coming to some sensible agreement with that person. 

Happy that I can meet that person now internally, and give him a hug!  :)

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