Sunday, February 5, 2012

Take 4

Here is s small picture of what went on after my 14th year.  I was tortured incessantly by a hand full of peers in high school.  I remember being shoved up against the lockers in the hallway, called a faggot, threatened and told to die numberless times.  If you watch Glee and watch what happened to Kurt.....those things really happened....and still happen to many.  If you can imagine having that experience daily, or live in fear of it happening, you would want to avoid it at all costs.  I made sure I was either surrounded with people that I trusted or went out of my way to not see these people on a given day.

I thought this torment would end after my Freshman year.  It did not!  My Sophomore year was even worse.  This is the year that I contemplated suicide multiple times.  I already had a low self-esteem of myself, for abuse, self-identity, and torture.  I am still surprised that I made it out of that year alive.  I was followed to my car after school a few times.  I was threatened with a gun 2 of those times.  Back then the big trend was to have your gun mounted on the back window of your truck.  I was scared that someone would follow through with their threat.  These people had the tools, I cannot believe that guns were actually allowed on school property.  Then I think about the community I lived in....they were trusting, religious and naive!  No one could be that cruel!

I wrote out suicide notes multiple times, naming people, blaming them for my sadness and turmoil.  The main thing that kept me from following through was the impact it would have on my mother.  She was one of my best friends growing up!  We would have long talks, I loved them!  :)

The locker room was a venue of stupid testosterone and intolerance.  I can remember being pinned up against the wall in the locker room, being punched by the alpha male in high school.  He was only a few punches in when my cousin (his girlfriend) burst through the door and stopped him.  She placed herself between him and I, settled him down, and promptly exited with me in tow.  It was humiliating being saved by a girl, but I was SO thankful for her help.  I will always be in her debt....I do not know what state I would have been in have I been subjected to additional abuse.

These same handful of guys would demand sexual favors from me.  I would immediately refuse and run!  Humiliating that I could not stand up and fight....being half their size made that option unreasonable.  I was also shocked that the very thing that they accused me of being, they did not think twice about doing it to satisfy their own carnal needs.  One instance that I clearly camp at USU the summer after my Sophomore year.  I was getting settled in my room, another guy from my school came into my room, pulled his pants down, demanded that I service him....while blocking the exit.  I refused his advances, got around him and left.  I ended up staying the night with my grandparents who lived a couple blocks away from the university.

The most disappointing part of this story is that this young man now serves as a Bishop in his church.  I hope that his sexual tendencies are quelled and he has not hurt others in his position of power.  Speaking of positions of Bishop as a youth would always call me into his office asking me if I was gay.  Asking me if I needed to repent.  I felt unjustly accused and was a miserable experience.  When I told my parents I did not want to go to church...I did not want to see my Bishop and I did not want to be in the same rooms (administering the sacrament) with the same guys that tortured me.  Seeing the hypocritical nature of so many was continually disheartening.

My path is sure now......

1 comment:

  1. The pride I feel at knowing you and being a part of your life is indescribable. You are infinitely brave and incredible.