Today is my first day out of KC. Have feel like a huge weight has been taken from me. I almost feel guilty for feeling this way. I consider myself a VERY responsible person….and the level o responsibility that I was committed to in KC was daunting and overwhelming. Many will say…..you placed yourself in those circumstances, so buck up and quite your whining….others have said…….this new journey you are on will define more of who you are and help you heal. I am leaving behind SO much, that that is where the guilt lies. I am attempting to set up things for the children financially to be engaged in activities over the summer for their benefit and involvement. I am visiting or having them visit Orlando (hopefully) once a month. That will be dependent on finances and availability. I have set up a Skype account for the children. I will get that schedule proposed and firmed up.
I did enjoy my time at JCCC, but I
think there were too many things that happened in my life (personally) over the
past 2 years that made things more convoluted and murky. I did not intentionally make myself less
effective, I think the circumstances that I was dealing with placed a few
things into question. I recognize that,
and hope that in my new endeavor I can compartmentalize things appropriately
for the health of my professionally relationships.
I am going to Orlando knowing only
those that I have met through the interview process. I have not reached out to the LDS church
yet. I will most likely do that in a
couple of weeks once I know where I am living.
I know that brings into question……WHY will you reach out to an
organization that does not accept you for who you are? I feel that I will need to establish a
relationship with the local LDS congregation for when my children visit, to
continue with some of that normalcy that they are used to. Also, I plan on attending the local
congregation as much as possible by myself.
The reasoning for this is to help diffuse the “mystery” of gays in the
church. There are SO MANY times that
when interacting with members of the congregation that I attended for years in
KC…..these individuals seemed uncomfortable, not able to have a conversation,
not knowing what to say, making small talk with no meaning or substance. I was generally disappointed with this
dissonance. Part of that dissonance I am
responsible for also, because this congregation was/is there to support Rachel
and NOT me. I truly do appreciate the
kindness and thoughtfulness of the few who stepped forward and were not bound
by social/cultural parameters and reached out to me. For that I will always be grateful, and those
few know exactly who they are! When
speaking with one of these individuals, she rehearsed with me a conversation
that she had with someone in the congregation……..This person said, I wish we
could have been kinder to Chris and helped him in his situation……Hopefully this
individual can learn from lessons past and be a kinder person to those similar
I will continue to be a voice
within/without the church to help people understand that I am NOT a sinner, I
am NOT someone to abhor, I am NOT confused, I am NOT soul-less, I am NOT from
Sodom and Gomorrah! I will not be
hopeful that the church will change doctrine…..but I want individuals to be
more thoughtful, compassionate and truly Christian towards others that are not like them. If I can help a few come to realize this, my
attendance at church will be worth it. I
will be there to “kick against the pricks”!
(that has many meanings, but it is actual a scriptural reference in the
Doctrine and Covenants, LDS scripture).
I packed my scriptures; it was also
refreshing and liberating. I will
continue to read them, to find sense in my journey….to balance things in my
life a bit more. I do feel well
grounded, more stable and committed to my path than ever before. It truly is a wonderful feeling to have about
my person as I move forward.