Since my earliest recollections I have always tried to make people happy, attempt to be liked, and to please others beyond a healthy medium. Maybe birth order has something to do with it....being in the middle brings out the need to please.....maybe sexual abuse influenced this.....maybe my internal conflict I have hidden for decades about being gay has contributed.
Those that have served with me, volunteered, or know me in any way.....know that I will get the job done, effectively and efficiently. I do see myself as reliable when it comes to accomplishing a task, planning an event or completing work. I am starting to realize that most of the internal motivation to complete things it my need to please people and to get their approval.
Last night this dysfunctional characteristic reared its ugly head. I feel SOOOO responsible for things that I need to make sure that any concern, question or need is met. John was looking for something and he was making statements.....not to alert me, not to put me on notice, not to ask for anything solution from me....just making statements. Fairly benign statements.....that I immediately internalized and was thinking of solution. "What could I have do different to not bring up these type of statements?" "What solution could I provide?" "Where did I put that?"
These type of questions go through my mind instantaneously! I have conditioned myself to this "unhealthy" reaction. I have been this way forever. I tried to please my parents. I tried to please my friends. I tried to please church leaders. I tried to please those I had relations with? I tried to please too many people with too many needs with too many competing interests. Well I broke last night.....I settled only after I realized that I have been this way, and now need to learn how to control it. It is affecting my health and relationships.
My new mantra:
I can only be responsible for myself and those few that I have stewardship for. Everyone else is on their own! :)
I say that, and know that I will reach a happy medium at some point. It has been enlightening to finally realize this, and accept it. Now I need to put it into action. I am glad I have someone close that understands these nuances and is willing to help me become a better person. Thank you John G!